Golden Pig Tales

But I do not have the option to not be a father today…

I woke at 1:30 A.M. (after three hours of much needed sleep) to be a good father and husband by changing Ezra’s poopy diaper. The reason I was awake, in fact, was because I wasn’t sleeping well and the sound of Ezra pooping poop woke me up, so I felt connected to the poop, and I wanted to help.

I got up. My head was still full of sleep. I was thinking it was going to be a quick change: take the diaper off; clean Ezra’s butt; apply the diaper rash cream; put the new diaper on; give Ezra back to mom.

Everything was going good until I was applying the diaper rash cream on Ezra’s butt. Before the cream was applied, my hand was full of poop.

Things fell apart. Ezra woke up and began to cry. I woke up and began to get fussy (saying fuck more than once). I cleaned my hand while Ezra began peeing all over him and his onesie.

Through deep breathing, focus, and the knowledge that soon I’d be able to give Ezra back to mom, I was able to clean up and change Ezra into clean cloths.

Before everything was said and done. We were both fussy, and we were both trying to get back to bed.

I felt like I had a weekend!

Sure, I was tethered to the house by baby Ezra. Sure, there were no nights of going out to the bars. Sure, the only time I left the house was for a walk with -v- and Ezra. Sure, the impression of ass on couch is becoming more defined. But I actually was able to relax and have quiet/sane time for a few minutes (while Ezra slept).

I was able to write and read and relax. I was also able to clean the cluttered house. I was able to take a nap.

Okay, so maybe I have just adjusted to a weekend of a father with a new born. I suppose things like drinking, partying, dancing, socializing will be activities that are now replaced with rocking, talking, reading, holding, walking, changing, cleaning Ezra during the weekend.

Ezra went to the pediatrician on Friday. He’s gained more weight - he’s more than 8lbs now. The Dr. told me that his goopy eye was an entirely normal newborn affliction, caused by immature tear ducts getting clogged up, and that made me feel better. The Dr. also told me that a little breast milk in the eye has been known to help resolve the goopy eye. So this morning, after Ezra finished feeding, I looked down at his little goopy eye, and with a quick flick of my boob, landed a drop of milk in the goopy eye. Ezra just looked at me and blinked a couple times, then went back to falling asleep.

I just looked, and Ezra’s eye is now goop-free! We’ll see what it looks like tomorrow, but this just could be further proof that breast milk IS best for babies!

PS - I was sort of afraid to take this first blogging step - hence the fact that all the other posts have been by Ezra’s dad. But this wasn’t so bad, so maybe I will be able to do this more often!

Fussiness becomes fuzziness after glass or two of red wine. A crying baby is just someone who has a little more to say (albeit in a very loud incomprehensible voice). The poop filled diaper is conversation topic to have with the baby. The cleaning of the poop an observation of color and smell. The application of the diaper rash a talk about how diaper rash is worse than the coldness of the cream. The changing of a onesie  is a long calm conversation about change. The pee flowing from the baby’s penis to the floor an opportunity to do some cleaning and floor scrubbing.

Songs come more naturally after a glass of red wine as the red wine flows through your veins taking the edge way from the work day, the hours of fussiness, the lack of sleep, the hours of new born crying and being fussy. It  allows the adlib lyrics to flow from mind from mouth in various tones and tempos.

A glass of red wine everyday has been stated by doctors and scientists  as being good for the body. If you are a fussy father, it could also be your body and mind and a fussy baby.

…At least it is for me.

I have become a Fussy Father.

I need more sleep. I need more time. I need more focus. I need more understanding.

When the baby cries and cries and cries and cries and cries and cries and cries and cries my head gets full of frustration and confusions and hope that soon the baby will relax.

I do get tense. And I have been angry at myself for feeling so tense and wishing that the baby would just be quiet for a minute or at least tell me why he is crying. And when I wish the baby would just shut up I feel bad for feeling the thoughts of not wanting to be a father because I don’t know what my son wants.

I am a fussy father because the baby always cries when I have been holding him. I feel I only get to bond with the baby when I change its diaper or burp it or between feedings when I try calm the baby.

I have returned to work only after two weeks because I only have so much Personal Time Off, and because we are unable to support ourselves with both Valerie and I not working during the unpaid maternity/paternity leave.

As a new mother, Valerie will have a total of eight weeks off work to care for the baby and bond with it. Fortunately because she has given birth, she is able to claim short term disability for six of those eight weeks after her vacation time runs out, so there will be some bonding time between her and the baby while some money will be coming in.

After Valerie returns to work we will then be using a combination of working from home and daycare to care for the baby during the week.

While I could write essays (and just might) about how the lack of paid maternity or paternity leave in America could hinder the bonding of a new born with parents, I haven’t the time right now to write any more essays. Even if I did have time to write more essays, the way America manages paternity/maternity leave is a system that will not change anytime soon and the baby will be an adult before any change is likely to happen, so I will use the time to try to bond with the baby instead of writing.

My wife, Valerie, found these articles for me to read to help with the bonding:

http://www.babycenter.com/400_how-can-i-feel-more-competent-as-a-new-dad_505194_1000.bc
http://att.iparenting.com/breastfeed/dadsbond.htm
http://www.lsj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070813/LIFE03/708140302
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/pregnancy_newborn/home/bonding.html
http://www.parenting.com/parenting/baby/article/0,19840,1592339,00.html

The articles were okay. Most of the stuff I already knew, but it was good to read again. I did like the one from kidshealth.org.

However, I didn’t find the article about how to bond with a baby in America when the father has to go back to work soon after the baby is born and father comes home with a head full of work and just wants to relax for a bit to further relieve stress and there is a fussy baby that not only needs to be changed but also talked to and calmed down and bounced and father can’t think of anything to say. Father needs to lay down, and all the baby does is be fussy and hard to hold, which only further gives the father doubt about what is being done to calm the baby down.

The baby is two weeks old today.

His sleeping schedule is his own. He has yet to schedule the time with me, so it’s an hour to hour, minute to minute, occurrence.

He is healthy. He is already above his birth weight and has no issues eating, pooping, peeing. He has a health cry and scream that come to life every time I have tried to hold him or be with him when he has been awake.

He has no problems letting me know when he is not happy. The cause of being not happy can be anything from being hungry; to needing a diaper change; to needing human touch; to wanting a bounce; to wanting a walk; to wanting to hear someone talk; to all things at once; to just upset because I am holding him (I can only suspect me holding him upsets him because every time I hand him over to his mom he goes quiet after a few bounces and a few words).

His umbilical cord is falling off like a multi-stage rocket. With the separation of each piece of umbilical cord from his belly button, we hope to finally see the bottom of the belly button for we long to see his belly button instead of the snot looking umbilical cord remnants.

It’s a learning experience.

It’s a test of will and sanity. Everyone I talk with who are parents say to me that after the first month things begin to get better. I believe these people because they now talk of their young children with smiles and not yawns and blank stares of insanity.

I believe weekends, or may perception of what weekends are or were, have been forever altered.

I am happy to give up the weekend whisky hangover I use to get from drinking lots of whisky on Friday Nights of the Weekend, but I will miss it. I have found sleep depravation because of baby is similar in feeling of drinking six whiskies and not drinking any water or eating any food before bed, so not everything about weekends has been altered.

My mind is lost in the echo of a baby crying.

After five hours of sleep, I woke to change Ezra’s diaper, and while changing Ezra he peed on me for the first time (I feel so proud ). Then I walked around the house with Ezra and talked to him. Then changed Ezra’s diaper. Then Ezra slept. Then I changed Ezra’s diaper. After having an hour of relaxation and writing during my day free of the Money Job (the job I work five days a week) I helped Valerie bathe Ezra. While we were bathing Ezra we noticed his cord, which has not fallen off yet, looked like snot at the base. Valerie called the doctor and they said it would be best if we expose the belly button because the cord needs to be aired out, dried, but shouldn’t worry…Yet.

After four hours of being awake I was ready for a nap, and Ezra was ready for another feeding and a nap, too…

I have been a parent for one week, and I don’t know what I am doing. I feel I will never really know.